Tongue Kissing

We have compiled this guide for useless blokes who want to learn all about tongue kissing. Tongue kissing is an important but tricky skill, but well worth mastering.

In the beginning

You’ve put it off for as long as you can. You’ve built every Airfix model, put a body kit on your Fiesta and covered a million miles in a Mario Kart. Next on the list, is the acquisition of a girlfriend. Now sex isn’t a problem, you’ve probably been ‘practicing’ every 3 hours since you were 13, and if you type ‘sex advice’ into Google you get more results than you could possibly imagine.

However lads; ‘shock headline’, endless sex tends not to feature highly on the wish lists of women. However finding a man who can kiss without it feeling like eating a sponge, is alarmingly far up the rankings. Tongue kissing is the ultimate kiss, and well worth the extra effort involved.

Little pecks on the cheek and lips are also nothing to get worried about, very similar to the sort of thing you reluctantly give your Gran at christmas, or even your dog for going a day without crapping on the kitchen floor. it’s tongue kissing us blokes get upset about and for good reason.

Now liberal sandal wearing scholars will tell you that there is ‘no wrong way to kiss’ this is of course wrong, as there are plenty of wrong ways to kiss. I know it’s harsh, but we would feel slightly guilty if after reading this guide you promptly went and chewed off someone’s face, thinking it was perfectly normal.

Some people are appalled at the idea of tongue kissing, whilst others can’t imagine kissing without it. However you're best bet is to avoid it on first dates. Otherwise, it’s a little bit like arranging a karma-sutra weekend retreat after the first handshake. Stick to a simple gentle lip kiss to start with, and hopefully move up the ladder from there. Remember to open your mouth slightly, and can I emphasize slightly, you're not trying to swallow a badger. As yours lips meet, advanced kissers can then move their lips in a slight circular motion, but we recommend you simply keep still and try not to ruin the moment.

At least until you have read through all the important points listed below.

The dangerously delicate scale of moistness

A difficult one this, little bit like creating the perfect roll-up. Lip moistness is important to get right, too dry and your lips crate together like chalk on a blackboard, too moist and it’s like kissing a halibut. Try and get a nice balance by running your tongue along your lips once before you kiss. Remember blokes, tongue kissing is no fun with dry lips.

Breath like a bear’s behind

Very important this one, girls would rather kiss their brother than kiss you if you haven’t brushed your teeth, and brushing involves slight effort I'm afraid. Don’t just wave the toothbrush in the general direction of your mouth, give everything a could scrub and don’t neglect your tongue. If you’re going out for a meal take chewing gum or a mint. She doesn’t want her first course twice.

Where to stand

To avoid acute embarrassment, a sure footing is essential. If there’s any chance that you might fall over and break her jaw, try to rejig before launch. Stand nice and close to her, she won’t bite (yet!), and then move your head slightly to one side. You have to be concentrating here, because if you’re wondering about who Ferguson will substitute after the break, you’ll miss which way she tilts her head and be in danger of having a collision. Don’t get to keen, tongue kissing once is enough to start with.

Where to look

Well obviously not at her breasts, your watch, photo of your mother etc... but you might want to try not looking at anything at all. Closing your eyes at the last moment before a kiss seems to us slightly more dignified, no one wants to see your eye magnified a billion times. Leaving your eyes open is enjoyed by some, but its best again to wait until you’re more comfortable with your partner. Don’t peak too soon young man.

Where do I stick my hands

Opportunity to look like a right chump here. Being a dipstick you either leave your hands dangling around your back, or keep your arms folded like you’re sat in church. Our best advice is to stick to the classic position. One hand on your partner’s waist and the other against the middle of her back. Once you get comfortable with this you can try cupping your partners face, or placing your hands around her neck (careful with this one). You can also try running hands through her hair and there are loads of others. However try to avoid putting them where you just thought about putting them then!

If you follow these easy steps you could have a girlfriend who stays with you for more than a week, you could become a master at tongue kissing, and who knows, she might even beat you at Mario Karts.

Did you know?

A tongue kissing world record was set on Valentine's Day 2004 when just over 5000 Philippine couples gathered together and kissed at midnight.
Some dentists believe that kissing can improve your dental health as it generates extra saliva which cleans out your mouth.
A giraffe can easily clean its ears with a 20 inch long toungue
One a first date kiss with your eyes closed. Your girl will be freaked out by one giant eye only a centimeter from her face
Kissing is frowned upon in China. It was introduced by west, but never really caught on.
If you're 14 and have never kissed anyone, you are in the minority. Most people across the world have their first kiss before they are 14
Tongue kissing is actually good for you, a peck on the cheek uses only two facial muscles, but a passionate kiss uses all of them helping to burn off